15 Mar Bivouacs, Deer and Landrovers and Osmosis
In this blog, I explore the process of emotional and psychological osmosis. How we pass our patterns onto others and how there is joy in seeing them for what they are, patterns that can be loved and integrated or unlearned.
Bivouacs
It’s been a long journey but I have finally arrived and am sitting under a bivouac with my beautiful son. We are cooking a tasty daal over a gas stove while the rain serenades us with a well-known British summer melody above our heads. A young deer is tentatively poking its head out from behind some fallen branches, it seems aware that we are nearby but looks cautiously comfortable with campers who choose to set up close to the forest boundary.
Between mouthfuls of daal, we talk politics, religion, climate, divorce, siblings, gender and sexuality, probably some of the things best avoided with young adult children. However, we meander through the conversations with an ease that can sometimes appear after 24 years of shared experience and a deep trust that we each hold good intentions toward the other.
It’s a few weeks out from the end of 4 years of university and my son appears to be doing well, although he is slightly uncertain about what happens beyond the 3-month horizon of travelling to visit friends across Europe. I sometimes have a slight worry that I misread my children, that I assume they are ok when they are not, and then assume they are not when they are. I wonder if this might be the residue of my growing up in a family where it was hard to read what emotion or response was coming next. Often I had to try and read my dad’s emotions to know what I needed to do to stay safe, this can still lead me to ‘over-read’ others emotions and responses and attach inaccurate meanings to them. If I view this experience through Bowlbys’ ideas of childhood attachments I suspect I developed Ambivalent and Avoidant ways of attaching in my early years. I never quite knew if and how my needs for acceptance, intimacy and safety would be met.
Wow! This being a human thing can be complicated, I suspect we unconsciously and sometimes consciously try to solve our childhood conundrums when parenting our children; when relating to siblings and friends; when working as a team member and managing and leading organisations.
Carl Jung once said, “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.”
One of my favourite parenting moments was when my eldest daughter reminded me of this potential truth, she was in her last year of school and was studying for her A-levels. I was working hard to navigate the impossible parental journey of offering support and encouragement, challenging and inspiring her. I often got it right and I often got it wrong, I remember this moment so vividly, I was cooking in the kitchen and my daughter was standing under the arch between the kitchen and the sitting room. She had a particular look in her eyes, a telling anticipation on her face, I could tell she wanted to say something to me. She took a deep breath…
“Dad, you know you sometimes pressure me to do more revision? Well, I think it is all to do with the fact that you messed up your own school education!”
It was a beautiful moment, once she had let it out she relaxed and we both laughed. I thanked her and said,
“You are right.”
This wisdom of a 17-year-old released me into a different way of ‘supporting and allowing’, free from resolving the historic disappointments that had inadvertently transformed into unnecessary fears about my own children.
How many unlived lives have I vicariously lived through my children? I have three children so I have had plenty of opportunities!
Deer
As the evening draws in, the deer is replaced by lazily grazing forest ponies and screeching owls, the rain has stopped and the sun offers its last gift of warmth of the day. We stumble into a new inquiry,
‘What would you like to let go of that you received from and through your parents?’
For those who have never tried this with your children, it is an enlightening if not uncomfortable exploration. Our insights range from ‘I’d like to let go of never being told I was loved and never being held’ (it would be awkward if this was my son’s response, but fortunately, it was mine). My son’s included: making it sound like I know something about things I know little about.
Now that one made me think. As a teenager, he always believed I knew little about most things.
As Mark Twain said “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
As the evening progresses we safely and at times humorously navigate more of what we would like to let go of. I even offer him some to consider: ‘hurry up’ and ‘be productive in every waking moment’. I have been informed on several occasions by my two daughters that this is known as toxic productivity and I am extremely good at it!
After a few hours of conversation, the late summer darkness rolls in and we agree to pay attention to our inner introverts. I slide into my sleeping bag and he retires to his tent. Now that’s something positive that my children have got from me: a love of camping. (Well, if you like camping that is).
Land Rovers
The weather in the morning is better than expected. It’s sunny, and we head off to walk a few miles to visit what turns out to be a very disappointing ‘coven of witches’ shop in a local village. Protected from the summer sun by heavily leaved trees, and not fully sure of the route, we haphazardly find our way along some single-track roads. After an hour or so of walking in the quiet of the woods and country lanes we hear behind us the purr of a finely tuned Range Rover, we step to one side to let it pass. It’s pristine, looking like it has never been anywhere near mud, let alone off-road in a field. I smile and say to my son,
“Wow, I can get so judgemental about Range Rover drivers.”
…and then I launch into a humorous and slightly cynical caricature of Range Rover drivers.
He laughs and says, “I was having very similar thoughts about them too, even before you said anything!”
It seems like he has been passed down something else from me. His ensuing ‘rant’ was much more nuanced than mine and was even backed up with interesting research about the injuries caused by large bumpers on vehicles. (If you are a Range Rover driver I am sorry to be using you and your vehicle as an example of how judgmental attitudes can pass through the generations.)
It seems that ‘how we are in the world’ is passed onto others whether we like it or not! I find myself trying to reframe both our responses by quoting Charles Eisenstein who suggests that in the New World, there is no place for judgment, just the acknowledgement that if I were in their situation, with their history, culture and beliefs I would probably do the same.
Osmosis
We leak our attitudes and our beliefs into those around us, and it appears that these move from spaces (people) where there is a higher concentration to spaces (people) with a lower concentration, a bit like osmosis; the movement of water molecules from a solution with a high concentration of water molecules to a solution with a lower concentration of water molecules, through a cell’s partially permeable membrane. (futurelearn.com). The growing field of epigenetics is also finding that trauma is passed on genetically through families and slightly concerning for me the research suggests that this happens at a higher rate between fathers and sons. (bbc.com)
This emotional and psychological osmosis is an amazing opportunity! Imagine if I consistently had buckets full of compassion, love and acceptance, an overflowing stream of hope, positive anticipation and kindness, and this was what was passed onto those around me!
I know that I can be these things sometimes.
Someone sent me the dictionary definition of meliorism; ‘the belief that we can contribute to positive change and improve the world through acts of love, creativity, compassion and kindness’, and said it reminded them of me.
Yet I know I also pass on my trauma, pain and disappointments, my sadness, struggles and cynicism, my fears, negativity and doubts.
I am acutely aware that I am ( and I expect you are too) a mixture of all these things and I am starting to realise that what I can most powerfully pass onto my children and maybe onto others is not just my ‘good’ side, the positive things, the things we might aspire to, but also an attitude of curiosity into all that has been, will be and is me.
I have always been fascinated by this emotional and psychological osmosis that happens across generations, families, cultures and organisations.
To serve this fascination we are launching the podcast. The first series arriving in the Autumn consists of conversations with individuals curious about the stories passed onto them by families, culture, history and work and how these have and still do shape their lives. We speak with Yoga teachers, Concept Creators, Lego enthusiasts, Students, Coaches and Contemplative Priests. Each has stories of how cultural and social narratives have influenced them and how they live in the world; strong family traditions and expectations, ‘societal norms’ and God stories.
We looking forward to meeting you there.